I had a lot of self-hatred last year.

This letter had been written during a time where I could not stand to be near myself, or think about how I functioned — or rather, how I lacked function. I came from a place where something as simple as a shower or making my bed took 2 hours of mental preparation before it got done. Right now, I’m in a better headspace, and looking back on this letter, I’d say my message is still the same: chill out, my future self will manage life just fine. I’ve gotten this far, so what’s another few years?

However, if I were to change anything about it, I’d edit out the parts where I undermine my own success. I did a lot last year, but I spread myself too thin. In service, the only things I really cared about were Kappa Pi, and volunteering with the LCVA. I like to participate in my community, but I also need to keep some time for myself. I’m not a genius who can manage the entire world, let alone my own. It’s why I’m planning on leaving things like ALD and the NSLS, not because they’re bad, but because if I divide my attention for those things, I can’t focus on the things I really do love and care about.

I want my focus to be on my major, the Honors College, Kappa Pi, and the LCVA. Anything more than that, I don’t want to do. I need to remember that these are the things that matter to me — I love learning what I learn in class, so I don’t want to have to cram my schooling and a bunch of other obscure things I care less about.

I want focus, and I want balance. My participation in the aforementioned things fulfill what the Honors College wants from me, and what I want for myself. This year will automatically be less stressful because of that.