What’s the difference between a woman and a man?
Are there distinct qualities or do we subconsciously give people these qualities based on how long their hair is, how big their breasts are, how skinny they are, what kind of job they have, and more?
“The difference between sex and gender often becomes apparent when we disobey gendered norms of behavior.”
My name is Maggie and I am going to use a personal experience to help you have a little better understanding of gender and sex.
First things first: my sex, born with, is female & my gender, chosen, is female.
I have always identified with more masculine characteristics, which was rarely a “problem” or “big deal” for me.
I rarely cried as a kid.
I would walk around in just my diaper until I was about 3.
I wore my hair up, when it wasn’t short, until high school.
I watched Spongebob and Ripley’s Believe it or not.
I played kickball and soccer at recess.
I wore baggy sweats and Nike sweatshirts in middle school.
I didn’t wear jeans until the 8th grade, right after I got my first boyfriend, who was shorter than me, by the way.
It was scary for me to wear anything other than a white polo and khakis to church every week, and my parents never made me wear a dress so I was comfortable.
In high school, I played field hockey and softball and only wore dresses on game days.
These things don’t mean I have men’s genitals, they don’t mean I am, or was, a boy, they don’t mean I’m not a girl. They mean I am me.
I was hardly ever embarrassed or ashamed of my masculine qualities but I remember one specific time when I felt pure stupidity. It was Halloween, 2006, and my best friend Kyla and I were going trick or treating in her neighborhood. I lived across town so I hardly knew anyone whose houses we went to but she did. I was Peter Pan and she was Tinkerbell. I wore my hair on top of my head and threw a hat on over it. I thought we looked so cute and did not even think twice that I was “disobeying” gender norms. I liked Peter Pan so I was going to be him. It’s crazy how normal that felt and how much no one judged me or made me change.
Until we got to one house. I had no clue what “doing gender” was until then.
We had trick or treated for about 45 minutes at this point and it was getting dark. We walked up to a house with long steps on their porch where the mom and daughter were sitting, waiting to give out candy.
Kyla and I walked up and the little girl gave Tinkerbell candy first, right before the mom said “okay give the little boy candy now”. I was SHOOK. Stunned. Surprised. Scared. Confused…
…until the little girl said “MOM that’s not a boy, that’s a girl!” and proceeded to give me candy as she corrected her mother and we left and that was that. I was embarrassed so I pretended I had to pee really bad and walked back home to Kyla’s. I felt pressed into this mold of what a little girl should be. And that was not to be dressed like a little boy. We counted out our Twizzlers and Tootsie Pops and my mom came and picked me up. We never spoke of it again until I was Lance Armstrong the next year.
So why is this an important story to tell? Who cares that a random suburban soccer mom thought I was a boy? I don’t remember what she looked like. Maybe she was scarred and now sees me in the grocery store, or the bar in town, just ashamed of her gender norms.
I think masculinity and femininity are important to examine because our culture is changing. We are our culture and if the little girl across from me at the library right now doesn’t want her nails painted and ears pierced, she shouldn’t have to just because her mom says so.
I chose to be a boy that October night, even though I didn’t have testosterone and that different chromosome, which is the only thing that makes me a boy. My gender was a boy, for that night, but the next day at school, I was a girl, and continued to be a girl.
Gender: Social role and personal identification
Sex: Anatomy, reproductive system
Drawing from my story, gendered communication is that this woman assumed I was a boy because I was wearing a boy’s outfit. The culture in that time didn’t respect those that identify with a different sex than born with.
I think going into the future, this gives kids the courage to dress however way they want. I do think a lot of our insecurities and negative self-views come from our parents, so teaching parents how to treat their kids with respect and let them dress how they want for Halloween. This story will hopefully help people understand that it’s okay to be who you are, masculine and feminine features and all.
I hope this gives you a little insight that I am no longer embarrassed by that incident and I still love Peter Pan. Thanks for reading!